Special Stories
by Ders7045
Summary: A collection of stories that are all quite different from each other.Some are heart touching whilst others are knee-slappers.One thing's for sure,though,you won't regret reading them.Please note that some of the stories might contain some TLG spoilers.
1. The Day Artemis fainted

**This is my first story.I hope you'll like it.**

**Disclaimer:Eoin Colfer owns the chracters,not me.**

Artemis woke up with an aching body._I knew this would happen.T_he previous day,he had been forced into some "healthy exercises for the mind & body".If you asked him,they were about as stimulating as those TV ads that repeat again and again until you lose a few IQ points._At least ads don't leave you sore down to the last muscle.__  
_

Artemis winced as he stood up.

The sun's rays were bright,the birds chirping,but they didn't exactly relieve the young boy of his pain.

He limped to the closet and got it opened.

There were dozens of sets of suits,ties,slacks,and pretty much a bunch of formal garments.

Artemis grabbed a set and put it on as fast as his pained muscles would allow him._  
_

After Artemis finished doing that,he went to the bathroom to get "groomed".Once he came out,he opened the door to get outside his bedroom and limped to the family kitchen where Butler was preparing an extraordinary breakfast of..._Lichen pie and seaweed ceareal?Since when is Butler a fan of Captain Nemo?_

Artemis sat at the table,trying to breath as little as possible so as not to smell the atrocious seafood that the Eurasian giant was making.

Then he noticed that no one else was in there._  
_

"Butler,"asked Artemis.

"Yes,Artemis,"replied the person whom Artemis had implied he was asking.

"Why is it that no one else is here?"He was thoroughly confused.

For a genius,Artemis could be very clueless sometimes."It's four o'clock in the morning."_What!?Why is Butler cooking at such an early time?Is there a reason for the sunlight at four in the morning?Why is he cooking seaweed cereal and Lichen pie?_

All these questions ran through the clone's mind as Albert Einstein materialized out of thin air beside him._HUH?!What in the world is going on here!?_Suddenly,Hulk crashed through the manor's wall as he was being chased by Manny,Sid,and Diego who just happened to be driving a giant robot called Optimus Prime._What the..._

_"AAAAAAAAHHH"_Artemis woke up to find out that he was still in his bedroom.

The clone tried to ease his breathing,witch was coming in short,choked gasps.

"It was just a dream,"said Don Quixote.

The genius would have responded,but he fainted.

**So,what do you guys think?Please review and tell me if you would like for me to write more.I know It's probably very unlikely that Artemis would have screamed,but then again...**


	2. Ketchup Tears

**Another story that you may or may not laugh at.**

**This chapter will starr Juliet and Artemis.**

**It is NOT a romance story,even it may seem like it.**

**Please R&R**

**Disclaimer:Eoin Colfer owns all the characters.**

_We are now at a McDonalds._

_I don't think it is difficult to imagine ,if you do think that it is too hard to do so,then google **McDonalds** images._

"Are you sure about this,"said Juliet."Artemis,you really don't have to do this."Her voice was coated in anguish.

Artemis sighed."Juliet,if I want to do this,I'm _going _to do this,and nothing you can say will change my mind."

When Artemis set himself on to something,he stuck to it like sugar to a wall of superglue.

As it turns out,it's a great advantage when it comes to disputes of the verbal kind.

Artemis placed a hand on Juliet's.

She looked up,and Artemis could see that her face was twisted with anguish.

"I must do this.I _have to."_

"If I don't...I can't even start to imagine what would happen to everyone."Artemis tried keeping his cool.

He barely succeeded.

Artemis began walking towards the restaurant cashier.A mysteriously shiny item held in between his fingers."NO,Artemis,NO!"Juliet was sobbing...crocodile tears.

It was too late for Juliet's warning NOs(that kind of sounds like nose,huh?).Artemis gave the cashier a few orders,wich she obliged to immediately.

She asked(on a Post-it) for twenty-five cents,and Artemis gave her the mysteriously shiny object.

Then she spoke.

Her voice was like thunder.

The vibrations traveled from her mouth effortlessly.

It was like the sound of waves crashing on the beach in a beautifully composed piece of music.

Like the sound of a hundred trumpets united in harmony.

It was a powerful voice. "Here's your ketchup,"it said.

**So,what do you guys think?If you have any ideas for the next chapter,please post them in the reviews.**

**Chapter 3 should be coming along tomorrow morning.**


	3. Three Stories,Both Tragic and Not

**Yet another one shot for you guys..not all of it is humor this time.**

**Disclaimer:Eoin Colfer owns all the characters.**

**I want to thank ARTYSgirl98fowlstar for really helping out on _Holly and The Great Catastrophe_ **

**The Trip to The Bermuda Triangle**

Mulch and Foaly were sitting in the back of a pod that was heading towards the Bermuda Triangle.

There was a newly constructed city there...underground of course.

The trip would take approximately five hours.

As you might have guessed,Mulch was being taken to a new prison.

They were both very bored and since Foaly wasn't doing anything to change this,Mulch

decided to take action. "Do you want to know a story my grandfather used to say?"

Foaly grunted in obvious annoyance. "No,Mulch,I don't want you to talk your heart out while at the

same time boring me with a very dull story of how pumpkins came to be."

Mulch was hurt.

He sniffed. "Fine.I won't tell you this awesome story because it's too good for you...hmm,you know I was thinking of letting out some gas."

"This indigestion really doesn't help me..."

Foaly watched,in horror,as Muclh brought his hand down to his bum flap."OH,NO YOU DON'T!TELL WHAT EVER STORY YOU LIKE JUST DON'T LET GO OF THOSE INFERNAL GASES!"

Mulch smirked."I knew you would say that.

Ok,so there we was once a dwarf who lived on the surface.

One day,he saw a raindrop fall from the sky with a loaf of bread inside.

And it said 'you are the chosen one'.So the dwarf took a bite out of it and he saw that the bread had disappeared.

Then he saw another raindrop fall from the sky with a loaf of bread inside and it said 'You are the chosen one.'So the dwarf took a bite out of it and he saw that the bread had disappeared.

Then he saw yet another raindrop fall from the sky..."

_I'm going to have to listen to this guy repeat the same story for FIVE hours?_Foaly internally sobbed to himself the whole way.

**Holly and The Great Catastrophe **

Holly had been assigned to a new mission in Notre Dame,wich she had always wanted to go to.

She had been overjoyed when she heard the news.

But there was of course,only one problem:her mission was to irradicate the swear toads that lived in Notre Dame.

Holly wasn't very fond of swear toads.

For one thing,they had bad manners.

For another thing,they _ swore _too much.

But the worst part was that they had been capable of causing Holly a great deal of embarrassment.

This led to harassment coming directly from those whom she trusted most.

The trauma had been like a dark,malevolent fire,burning scars into the then soft walls of her heart,leaving nothing,but ashes of what once was,but no longer is.

The wounds had been too deep to ever heal completely.

Instead,they had scarred over,leaving a remarkably noticeable crevice.

The irony had been almost too much to bear,and for a few milliseconds,she had considered leaving the job to someone else.

She had gone through so much because of those despicable little beasts.

But she had to be strong.

She would finish this mission and have it be a success...

_One week later..._

Holly let a steady flow of tears flow from her eyes.

The mission had gone unexpectedly and horribly wrong.

They had been unable to wipe out the swear toads from Notre Dame;not to mention everything else that had transpired in that one week.

And..and..now _everything _she had ever lived for was completely destroyed.

Every dream,every wish,every desire,everything,had been smashed apart and torn to rubble.

She didn't think it was fair.

Was it her fault that Selix had decided for that exact moment to pound Holly's unhealed heart with such cruel abuse?

Was it her fault that that had caused her to try fighting back and then to accidentally detonate the bio-bomb in an _Endangered Species _research facility?

Was it her fault that now every single fairy in existence had been locked up in cells to be studied(including her)by the Mud Men?

Was it _her_ fault that she had condemned the People personally,albeit accidentally?

_Yes_...it was all her fault.

And she would pay for it dearly.

Holly cried herself to sleep in the hope that it had all been a nightmare;a meer hallucination created by the subconscious piece of her mind.

But it wasn't..._.it never was..._

**Artemis Learns to Play Basketball**

_Round One_

"Ok Artemis,I'm going to pass the ball to you and you shoot it at the hoop,ok,"said Holly.

"Fine,Holly,but I'm telling you,sports are of no visible use to me and it is a childish and unneccessary activity in human life.I get enough exercise in typing,you know."

That was Artemis with his usual reluctance to play sports.

"Ok,here it goes...That just HAS to hurt,"cried out Holly.

_Round Two_

"Artemis,can still play with a black eye and a bruised arm?"

"It's ok,Holly,It doesn't...ouch...hurt".

"Good,"responded Holly.

Holly showed Artemis how to shoot the ball at the basket without hurting himself.

All-in-all,Artemis only got another black eye,a broken toe on his right foot,and a bruised shin.

_Round Three_

"Artemis,you'll be safe here.

It's only a video game,after all.

There's no way you'll get hurt ,right?"

"Right,"responded Artemis doubtfully.

_This_ time,Artemis only ended up with a circular bruise on his forehead and a chipped tooth.

Even today,how Artemis managed to do that was beyond Holly,or anyone else at that.

**Well,there it is. **

**Please review,I'm in desperate need of feedback.**

**Leave some constructive criticism.**

**I spent about two hours typing this out.**


	4. The Product of No1 and Helium:Part 1

**Thanks for all the positive feedback I've been getting.**

**I know that last time I mixed humor and**

**tragedy in one story,which might have been a bit confusing to some people.I promise that I won't **

**do it again.**

**Sorry that I haven't updated in a while.I've been working on another story that is **

**very different from these and that might take a while to work on.**

**Anyways,on to the story...**

**Actually,it is important to note that in this story,fairies take on a number of human customs...like **

**baby showers.**

**Oh,and thanks to a guest,44Lefty,for his/her ideas and feedback.**

**44Lefty requested I make a story on No1.**

**Well,here it is.**

No1 was very bored after an extremely uneventful day of doing,well,nothing.

All day long he had watched a channel on his TV(yes,even fairies watch TV)that repeated the same commercial over and over again.

Now,I don't think anyone really enjoys doing this and so it happened to be that No1 was _desperate_ for some fun.

He started looking around his room,which was really just a small cave in a reservation for demons in the Bermuda Triangle.

The Bermuda Triangle,by the way,is the third largest fairy city that has ever been built,aside from Haven and ancient Atlantis.

The "cave" was quite a bit more high-tech than one might expect from a 'cave'.Then again,this was a 'cave' for a fairy,and fairies have a lot more,or rather,better, technology than humans do.

This place had a heating system,settelite TV,a cooling system,a refrigerator(fairy prototype),and a bunch of other fairy gadgets and gizmos.

No1's wandering eyes just happened to land on a small tank-like bottle in a glass container next to his gel sofa.

___Now,what might that be,_he thought.

Then,_might...hypothetical,probable,theoraticle,maybe,probability,chance..._

That 'tank' was in fact a small helium bottle.

I know what your thinking_:now what is a bottle of helium doing right next to No1's gel sofa?_

The answer is a lot simpler than you might think.

You see,Holly recently gave birth to baby elf and she

was throwing a baby shower for the kid.

That bottle of helium was what No1 had bought for her to blow the balloons needed for the party.

The baby shower itself would take place in three days.

It's important to note that helium has a few..._interesting _effects on demons.

It's much like alcohol is to humans,albeit the headache after the effects have passed,and they keep the

high-pitched voice that is so very characteristic of helium.

This voice also sounds very rediculous,mostly on the

adult demons because they usually have gravely,barritone voices.

Unfortunately for No1,he didn't know that.

He thought it would _only _get him the high-pitched voice,not the...err..._special effects._

So,he got up,walked over to the other side of his gel sofa,and grabbed the helium bottle...

**And that is THE END.**

**No,not really,I'll be posting the next chapter once I get 5 reviews.**

**Sorry for the cliffhanger,but I promise that the next chapter will be a real knee-slapper. :)**

**Please tell me what you think about it so far.**

**This is the first story in the series that isn't a one-shot.**

**But it will probably have about 3 chapters at most.**


	5. The Product of No1 and Helium:Part 2

**Ok,so here's the second part of the story.**

**I'm glad that I've been getting reviews from all you people out there.**

**I'm pretty happy that I've actually achieved 11 of them!**

**I never really thought I'd get that many.**

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed my story so far.**

**I also thank everyone who has actually bothered to read these chapters.**

**The Product of No1 and Helium:Part Two**

_Last time on The Product of No1 and Helium:_

_No1 had been bored to death while watching TV ads._

_His eyes had started to wander around for a pastime._

_Those eyes landed on...a small bottle of HELIUM._

_And so he journeyed across his sofa to get to that _

_miraculous entity._

_He grabbed the BOTTLE..._

No1 slowly leaned down and lowered his arm to grab the bottle.

He looked at it for a few seconds wondering about how he would sound once

he took in the helium.

He considered reading the warning label on

the

bottle,but then decided that it wouldn't harm him if he didn't

read it,anyway.

Of course,he was as far from correct as a demon could

possibly be.

He brought the bottle close to his mouth...

But then he brought it back down because he had forgotten to open it.

So he opened and then,and only then did he inhale the helium into his system.

(Please note that the helium had to be sucked in to be able to escape from the bottle;

yet another of Foaly's brilliant inventions.)

And because he had inhaled so much helium so fast,he immediately

started to feel the effects of the invisible substance.

_Whooaaaaa..._he thought.

Since he didn't know that he was starting to get 'drunk',he did

what he would have done if he hadn't gotten drunk.

Which is to say that he started to have fun with the

high-pitched voice that helium produces in demons and

Mud-Men alike.

He changed the channel to NBC,which was currently showing

Bryan Williams as the anchor.

No1 suddenly got an idea.

He was going to do an imitation of ,well,Bryan

Williams.

So he started."Good evening.

My name is Bryan Williams from

NBC News Center 23,reporting to you live from our headquarters in New York.

Tonight we will be..."

Now,you could just possibly imagine Bryan Williams saying that with a

helium infected voice.

No1 fell back on the floor.

Bellowing huge guffaws and rolling on the floor

like a hyperactive little chipmunk.

His laughing also sounded like that of

a chipmunk.

A hyperactive chipmunk.

And while he was on the floor laughing and flinging his legs and fists in the air,the

helium seeped into his bloodstream.

Now he was really starting to feel

the _actual_ effects of the helium.

His vision didn't blur,that wasn't one of the effects

that helium carried.

He did

start to feel a bot disoriented and...he felt like laughing even more!

He guffawed for a good five hours(how he managed to that,no one knows)

before he finally had to take in some oxygen.

Then he got a crazy idea.

No1 used his huge magic reserves to teleport himself to Haven,as he was

currently in the Bermuda Triangle.

He materialized in the acoustic sweet spot of the humongous cavern.

_This will going to be so fun!_

No1 formulated his evil plan while floating in midair,right on top of Haven.

_Wow.I can't believe I'm actually going to do this!_

_Nah,nevermind,I do believe it._

His plan was insanely crazy.

In fact,no

one had ever done something so evil since the day that Artemis had stolen all that fairy

gold.

No1 snorted,this was going to be so much more evil.

And he would have some fun in the process.

So he started to put his master plan in action.

First off,he placed a voice amplificator to make everyone hear him.

Then,he made a huge stage,with magic,of course.

Afterwards,he changed his appearance so that he now looked like

_The Joker_ from _Batman._

That,too,he did with magic.

Then he started to do the talking.

"Citizens of Haven!I,No1,am now standing here for all

you to witness the destruction of this place!

You can save

your city if all you bow down to ME!Every fairy must do this!

No one is exempt!"

Down below,the citizens of Haven beheld the odd

events that were unfolding right before their eyes.

Most were

so stupefied,that all they could do was stand(or sit)with dumb

expressions on their faces.

Everyone had heard No1,thanks to the

amplifiers,but no one knew exactly what to do about this unlikely situation.

"BOW DOWN TO ME,NOW!"No1's show was comically terrifying to the

people down in Haven because of the fact that No1 looked,in their opinion,too

'cute' to be doing such a thing.

It was as though you suddenly saw a kitten hold a gun to

your head,which is both something that would make you laugh out loud

had the dire situation not been in place.

But,everyone bowed down,anyways.

Suddenly,kittens materialized in front

of every fairy in Haven.

But that was not all.

The kittens were holding guns.

GUNS!

Every single person to witness

this exploded in laughter at the irony of this situation.

"NOO!NO!You must not do this!Stop laughing or I'll have you all executed immediately!"

Everyone stopped laughing."In fact,I'm not going to order you to bow

down to me.

Instead,you will pay another price.

And once you pay it,you will

wish you could have the first price back,instead!MUAHAHAHA!"

"If you laugh at any point in this process,you will be executed immediately!Is that

understood?"

"Yes,sir," replied everyone.

As you might already know,No1 was still under the effects of

the means that his voice was still...umm...

_heliumized-_ish.

Imagine how hard it is to not laugh at someone

who was doing this..

with that voice!

But if your neck is on the line,you probably won't find it too hard...usually.

No1 started up the show with the singing of _I Know A Song That Gets on Everybody's Nerves._

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,on everybody's nerves,on everybody's nerves!

Oh,I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves

Everybody's nerves

Everybody's nerves!

And it goes like this..."

That part of the show only lasted 4 hours,though.

That was followed by 9 hours of nyan cat,performed by No1.

Then he sang a special 15 hour special of _I am Cow_.

"I am Cow, hear me moo

I weigh twice as much as you

And I look good on the barbecue

Yogurt, curd, cream cheese and butter's

Made from liquid from my udders

I am Cow, I am Cow, Hear me moo

I am Cow, eating grass

Methane gas comes out my ***

And out my muzzle when I belch

Oh, the ozone layer is thinner

From the outcome of my dinner

I am Cow, I am Cow, I've got gas

I am Cow, here I stand

Far and wide upon this land

And I am living everywhere.

From B.C. to Newfoundland

You can squeeze my teats by hand

I am Cow, I am Cow, I am Cow

I am Cow, I am Cow, I am Cow!,"No1 sang.

He also told a story in the mid-rest."I want to tell you all a story.

Mulch told me about it and I very much enjoyed it."

"...MUAHAHAHA,"he added...for no apparent reason.

"The story goes:

_There was once a dwarf who saw a raindrop fall from_

_the sky._

_It had a piece of bread inside._

_And that bread said to him:_

_You are the chosen one._

_So the dwarf took a bite out of it._

_And he saw that it was bleeding._

_So he opened _

_the bread and saw that there was a mini-dwarf inside it_

_without its feet because he had accidentally bitten them off._

_So then another raindrop fell from the sky..."_

Down below,in his lab,Foaly heard

and,of course,instantly recognized

the story._No!_ He thought._No!NOOO!_

"NNNOOOOOOOOO!"

A lot of people were going to the hospital by now.

Most of them had bleeding ears,headaches,

post-traumatic trauma,OCD,several mental disorders,etc.

The show,in total,lasted about three days.

It turns out that on the third day,was the day for Holly's baby shower.

You might guess what happened...

**Well,that's all for now.**

**Sorry for taking so long to**

**update this story.**

**I won't take this long next time,though.**

**Disclaimer:I do not own**

_**I am Cow,The Joker,**_

_**Batman,Nyan Cat,**_**or any character**

**in the story.**

**The only thing that I own**

**is the plotline and The Dwarf Who Saw A Raindrop Fall **

**From the Sky.**

**I don't own NBC**

**or Bryan Williams either.**

**I'd be a slaverer if I did.**


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